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The Ballad of Bill “The Bunter” Hobson (A Spectacularly Undistinguished...
It was just in Bill Hobson’s nature, before he was even a runt, why, before he even learned to walk, he’d taught himself to bunt. He showed little interest in grade school. His teachers found him as...
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Very Special Occasion Greeting Card: Morale Booster For the Student Failing...
front of card inside of card
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Our Boy Has Grown
When he was four, the family dog, a border collie named “Rounder” still towered over him. Once he started school, for what seemed like ages, he was the smallest boy in the class by nearly a full head....
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Great Things!
Great Things! is a new MonsterBeGood feature intended to inspire, well, great things! Published whenever the mood strikes us (typically, when we are short on poems or don’t like any of the poems we...
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I Chase a Brewer Never Liquored
I chase – a Brewer – never liquored – on a Unicorn – filled with Beer – brewed from Sharon Mesmer’s Underwear – six Deerheads – with one Ear – in a Trombone – of Hair – that flies through...
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Great Things! (vol. 2)
Great Things! is an occasional MonsterBeGood feature which is composed whenever the editor senses the world at large, medium, small, toddler and infant sizes needs a healthy dose of the type of...
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100 Affirmations for Positive, Powerful, Proven Self-Improvement (That in...
I am an elite British Commando. I don’t use the special powder, but if I wanted to use the special powder I could. There is nothing missing from me – I am complete. Nothing bad has ever happened to me...
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Your Momma’s Red Lipstick (a Leonard Cohen song not written by Leonard Cohen...
(Verse 1) I chose hope. I chose love. I never tried to be Peruvian. I’m not trying to be a dove. I drank milk. I ate through tweed. I was so insatiable for want I had forgotten ‘bout the need. I...
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Husband and Wife Over a Kitchen Table in Nebraska (from the “Bizarro Ted...
Choosing the bills to pay this month, seated side-by-side at their small, wooden kitchen table, covered with a thin blue tablecloth that barely hides the grooves from years of use, the two of them,...
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A Soft Spot of His Family (from the “Bizarro Ted Kooser” series)
His hands are rough from working the farm, scraping what he can out of the un- forgiving soil. His face - tanned dark from working in the fields every day from sunup to sunset, wrinkles spreading...
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[My meat turns into dust as I recline] (from “The Surreal Sonnets” series)
My meat turns into dust as I recline, The ham, the steak, the pork, the chicken too, Not dry as dust, but dust – so white and fine; When I awake, there is a residue. My meat is now a powder on the...
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The Look You’re Giving Me (from the “Bizarro Ted Kooser” series)
The look you’re giving me right now, I’ve seen that look many times before. It’s the look Doc Jenkins has when he holds up a new baby girl and hands her to her mother, and the look she has staring into...
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Tell Us About Your RightLite AutoGlass Experience
My windshield had been hit by a random rock on the commute, and after driving around for 2 days watching the crack widen, I finally reconciled myself with the fact that I needed to get it replaced. I...
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The Miracle of the Tractor
1And it came that The Master and his followers were walking through farm country. 2They came upon a cornfield and saw a farmer attempting to repair a tractor. 3“Farmer, what is wrong with your...
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If You Asked Me (an as yet unrecorded song by “The Nonsensicals”)
(chorus 1) If the very last thing I had on earth was a box of plague I’d give it to you if you asked me to (oooh, oooh) if you asked me (verse 1) If I was a leper and I had leprosy I’d try to stay away...
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Why Should I Join a Cannibalistic Death Cult?
So you’re thinking of joining a cannibalistic death cult or maybe your mom or friend is forcing you, either way you’ve come to Cannibalistic Death Cult Ever After, so joining a cannibalistic death cult...
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